My Miscarriage – I Grieve Alone

Alone at beach

It’s been just over 18 months since my miscarriage and I still feel so raw and broken. Not all the time of course and it is much better than the intense feelings that overwhelmed me when it first happened but I am surprised at how this is still affecting me on a daily basis.

I know that recovering from loss and trauma is not something that happens fast, nor is it something that improves steadily – it can be up and down and all around. I just did not expect that at 18 months down the line I would still be so deeply affected by this.

As a recovering alcoholic and addict I am no stranger to therapy and having to work through my difficulties but this experience was in a league of its own.

A week ago I was in the bath with my two children – they invade my bath space whenever I get in, you know how kids do to their mother. They decided to get into a raging argument about what gender their baby sibling must be (and no I am not pregnant or planning a baby). My son said he wants a baby brother and my daughter wants a baby sister. So the fight is on – right there in my bath when it is supposed to be my “quiet time”. Bubbles are flying and tempers are hot.

Suddenly the feelings of loss overwhelm me again.  I start crying. Because there should be a one year old in there too with us – there should be a little sibling and I will never know the gender. My kids asked me what was wrong and I smiled and said it’s water on my face. They don’t know about the miscarriage because they are only 7 and 5 years old. We didn’t want to upset them when it happened.

Then yesterday in the car my 7 year old daughter asks me if babies can die before they are born and when I tell her that they can she says that is so so sad. Yes it is and I want to cry.

I am not alone but when it comes to this loss I so often feel alone. It seems everyone else has moved on, for them it is in the past but I remember every single day and I still cry often thinking about it.

When I mention my miscarriage to people that know about it I can see it takes a moment for them to register what I am referring to and remember the ordeal I went through. Yet for me the struggle is still real and it is not forgotten. It is in the present.

My Miscarriage - I Grieve Alone

My Miscarriage

I thought my appendix was bursting because I was in pain and I couldn’t think of anything else it could be.

Never could I have imagined I was pregnant and losing my baby. When the doctor at the hospital told me what was happening I was in complete shock. I could not quite absorb the information. I felt like I was outside my body watching the scene unfold.

I was sterilized when my son was born because we had decided that two children was plenty for us.

Both my children were surprises. I was on the pill when I fell pregnant with my daughter and with my son I had the copper IUD (I now know that IUDs can fall out). I chose to get my tubes cut to prevent any more surprises.

I had an ectopic pregnancy which is where the fetus embeds outside of the uterus. It was in my Fallopian tube which had ruptured from the growing baby. I had internal bleeding which was life threatening.

I was told that they need to operate to remove the fetus and tube, and to stop the bleeding. I didn’t want to have the operation. It felt like I would be having an abortion. It felt so wrong and I was helpless.

It is quite interesting how one’s perspective can change so quickly. I drove myself to the hospital praying that it was not my appendix bursting. When I left the hospital a few days later I remember thinking you know what would have been really nice? A burst appendix! What a treat that would have been in comparison.

Conflicting Emotions

I love my children. They were surprises and I was not prepared for them, but I would not change anything.

And yes I didn’t want another baby but when I found out I was pregnant everything in me wanted that baby. My mother instincts jumped into action and I wanted to protect it with all my being but there was nothing I could do. I have never felt so helpless in my life.

I can’t explain how it feels to be told in the same sentence that you have been given the gift of life but it is being torn away from you. It is like I cannot properly grieve because it was gone almost before I knew it was there.

If you have been following any of my blogs you will know that I’ve been through some pretty hair-raising things in my life. I’m a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. I’ve been raped and I’ve been in abusive relationships. I’ve been through some traumatic moments in my life, but this miscarriage has been hands down the most emotionally painful event of my life.

And it is the closest I have come to relapse in my 11 years of sobriety. After the operation the doctor said he can see that I am an addict in recovery but if I choose to I can still have morphine in my drip (as opposed to the paracetamol that I was getting). My first instinct was so tell him to load me up with great speed. I would be lying through my teeth if I said I was not incredibly tempted.

I’m just thankful that all the work I have done in the last decade helped me to immediately recognize that I had no interest in Morphine for the physical pain, but I would love to drown out my feelings with drugs.

Oblivion would have been sweet but the price I would have to pay would have been too high. I might have just suffered a huge loss but I have so much more to lose. Two beautiful children that I love more than anything – the thought of them pulled me through.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

How have you coped with loss? With miscarriage? A miscarriage is such an emotionally painful experience and the process of healing is not fast or in a straight line. It’s been 18+ months since my ectopic pregnancy and there are still moments of overwhelming pain. The difference now though is that I feel more alone with my grief since everyone else has moved on and it seems like it has been forgotten. Read the latest post on my website to read about my miscarriage and how I am struggling to move on – link in bio. I’ve partnered with @cindylougair for a giveaway to win her book I Chose This – Cindy has lost 3 children and shares her experience and wisdom with others. ___ How To Enter: 1. Like This Image 2. Leave a comment on this post ___ For bonus entries tag your friends and share this post in your stories! @giveawaygoat ___ This giveaway will end on Wednesday 11 September 06h00 GMT+2. Winners will be announced via my IG stories. This is not sponsored or endorsed by Instagram. Must be 18 or older to enter. . . . . . . . . . . #miscarriage #ectopicpregnancy #ectopicpregnancysurvivor #ectopicpregnancyawareness #loss #grief #sadness #mentalhealth #healing #mentalhealthmatters #mentalhealthrecovery #giveaway #womensupportingwomen #griefsupport #recovery #addictionrecovery #stayingsober #stayingsoberthroughloss

A post shared by Lynne Huysamen • Blogger (@lynnehuysamen) on

Miscarriage Support

The one thing that I feel has helped me the most and helps me to not feel so alone is talking to other women that have had miscarriages. It is when I do this that the feeling of grieving alone is alleviated for a while.

A few nights ago I was chatting to Mandy Lee Miller from Pregnant In Cape Town and we started talking about our miscarriages. She also had an ectopic pregnancy last year. I don’t want to share details of our private conversation but it is so nice to be able to talk to someone that knows that exactly how I am feeling.

Thank you for the chat Mandy, it really helped me and I hope that you feel better for it too!

Another person that I have connected with recently is Cindy Lou. I stumbled across her posts on Instagram a while ago and they really resonated with me. Cindy has lost 3 children and has written a book titled “I Chose This”. I still need to read her book, but I don’t feel I am quite ready for it yet because I can’t make it through reading some of her posts with dry eyes yet.

I find it inspiring that she has not only come through those losses in one piece but is choosing to live her life and to share her experience with others.

To win a signed copy of Cindy’s book enter on my Instagram channel.

14 Replies to “My Miscarriage – I Grieve Alone

  1. Oh Lynne,
    I have felt this pain. When my hubby and I started trying to have children I became pregnant told everyone and everything seemed so happy. Then I went in for my last checkup before my second trimester I was almost out of the woods! I was almost 13 weeks when they told me they could no longer find the heart beat. We were crushed. The most physically painful thing was I still had to “give birth” to get it out and I don’t want to go into details but it was the most horrific experience of my life. I’m even tearing up thinking about it. I don’t think you ever get over the loss of a child no matter if you got to meet them or not. It’s a magical instantaneous bond that cannot be described. One day at a time. Some days will be harder than others but you have so much to be thankful for! I have so much to be thankful for! We have some amazing beautiful children but that doesn’t mean we forget the ones we have lost. Love ❤️ you!

    1. Oh wow I had no idea you also lost a baby Felicia. That must have been so traumatic for you having to birth your baby after it died. That happened to a friend of mine earlier this year,also around the 3 month mark. She knew her baby was gone but had to wait for labour to start and given birth. So painful.

      She fell pregnant again almost immediately after that and she is now 5 months pregnant and it has been a good pregnancy so far.

      One thing that has become clear to me since my loss is that so many women have been through this pain! I had such a huge amount of women commenting and sharing about their loss on the post I wrote a few weeks after it happened. I think knowing that while we may feel alone, we really aren’t helps a lot. And that’s why I wanted to share how I am feeling now.

      And yes I have so much to be grateful for. My children helped me so much in the first few weeks, just being able to cuddle them and have them close kept me focused on getting better.

  2. Your post is so incredibly moving. I wish I could give you a hug. I am new to your blog so this post was a crash course in your story. Only recently I have found out some friends suffered miscarriages, they didn’t say anything at the time because it was too painful, and not something they thought people wanted to talk about. I hope that in time it becomes less taboo of a subject. Women need the strength of other women (and men) to get through such an overwhelming time in their lives.

    1. That’s exactly it Diane – it is such a painful experience and so many women keep quiet about it. It is also hard talking about it and I see that it is not easy for others to hear about it either. People don’t know what to say which I completely understand too.

  3. Hi Lynne. I am so sorry to hear about the experience of a miscarriage – I believe it’s an awful feeling. Thankfully I had a beautiful pregnancy with little Janelle. You are blessed with your two children and children’s presence brightens up every single day❤🙂

    1. Yes Leana I am very blessed. My children are beautiful and healthy. It is what makes me get up and face the world every day. They make me so strong.

  4. I am so so sorry you had to go through this loss, Lynne. You are right, one can never get over these things and for the most part, even if you have people to talk to, your grief is exclusively yours. I hold grief in my heart from losing people I love and while I cannot even begin to feel what you are feeling–babies are like that–I can certainly hug you tight.

    My Mom had five brothers. Three of them could not have children, even though they tried. And the number of abortions my three aunts had to go through – devastating for the whole family. It’s so very sad to conceive and then lose.

    Sending you love, Lynne. You are so brave and an inspiration to all. Most people would whine and withdraw. But not you. You just rise. So proud to have you as my friend.

    1. Oh my word Vidya – that must have been dreadful for your aunts and uncles. I went through this once and I was floored by it, I cannot imagine having to go through it again. How painful.

      I can’t not talk about this, it is who I am now and being an addict and alcoholic in recovery and a blogger part of the way I cope is sharing all these dark things with the world. It really helps, especially when it reaches other people going through the same.

  5. Thinking about miscarriage breaks my heart and hearing women’s stories of it just kills me. As an empath I feel things very deeply, even other peoples feelings… I feel them intensely too! And it makes me want to sob ready your story. But you are so brave to share your story. It is so vulnerable, but can make the world of difference to someone going through the same thing and help her to not feel so alone and that’s comforting.

  6. I still remember your blog post after your ordeal. I didn’t even know you for long then. I can’t even imagine what it must have been like Lynne. My Mom told me that she had a miscarriage before I was born. It would have been my older brother. When I grew up I often wondered what it would have been like if I had a younger brother. But if he was born, then my younger brother probably never would have been born. You are such a strong woman Lynne. After everything you’ve already been through in your life, you never give up and you keep going. I am super proud of you especially the part where you refused morphine because of your history. I’ve never been an addict myself but I’ve gone through it because both my parents were alcoholics. I spoke to my Mom this morning and I told her how proud I am of her. October she will be clean for two years. For some this may not seem like a lot, but for me it is the world. It means I still have my Mom around for a while to see my son grow up. It means that my son will not have to see my Mom the way I had to see her when she’s had too much to drink. He can see her for the special and loveable person she is. I don’t have the right words to console you about losing your baby because I don’t think there are words that can make it better or bring peace to you. All I can say is that I am so sorry that this happened to you and I don’t think the pain will ever completely go away. I know what it feels like to lose someone you love more than life itself – my Dad. It doesn’t hurt as much as two years ago but the missing never goes away and I still go through days where I can’t stop crying. I don’t know what it’s like to lose a child. I think it must be heart breaking. And I can imagine how many times you must think of him or her and wonder how things woudl have been if he or she were born. You are always in my thoughts Lynne, and thanks for sharing your experiences with us. Before I read your story, I never knew that ectopic pregnancies existed. You are a very special lady and friend and just by sharing your story you are bringing comfort to other ladies that are going or has gone through the same experience in the knowing that they are not alone.

    1. Thank you for your kind message Elize. I never knew that about your mom, I’m not sure if you told me or if it slipped my mind. Anyway 2 years is amazing clean time, in fact any time is great clean time. It is not easy being an addict and getting clean is really tough. You are so fortunate your mom is clean – what a gift for your son.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *